Overheard on a diabetic medical call by the patient's girlfriend.....(s)?
Girlfriend #1: I thank he's in shock
Girlfriend #2: Well, he ain't movin' or talkin'. He's just layin' there passed out
Girlfriend #1: Yeah, that's what shock is
Girlfriend #2: I reckon' I need to take some Nursin' classes so 's I can know when he get's into
shock!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
HELP!! I've been Cat-napped!!
As told by Mr. Sprinkles, Local Salt Lake City Cat
It all started last weekend, I was laying on the couch licking myself and plotting to take over the world, when my human servant came in and picked me up and set me outside of the window on the fire escape so that he could clean the apartment for me. He's a pretty good human as far as humans go, but I will say I don't like what he does with his socks when he gets in one of those "moods" if you know what I mean..wink wink. He closed the window behind me so that the strong smell of sanitizer would not irritate my delicate feline nose. It was a warm beautiful day outside as I continued with my Saturday bath when I went a little overboard and took in a hairball that was just a little to big for me to handle. I started to cough and spit trying to dislodge this wet ball of hair out my throat.
The next thing I knew, there was a crowd of humans forming below me looking concerned, pointing and carrying on. I guess they thought I was in trouble from the hacking and heavy breathing I was doing trying to clear my throat. I tried to tell them I was okay, but you know, There is that language barrier thing. By the way, if you humans really wanted to get in our good graces, you would take the time to learn how to speak cat-onese. It would be alot easier on you. But back to my story.
A few minutes later a small bright red SUV shows up with lights on top, and one of those firefighter guys gets out, he's kind of different than the usual ones I see that come to visit the crazy guy that lives down the hall from time to time, he is wearing a white shirt and has a couple of crossed bugles on his collar, must be some kind of head honcho by the way he was strutting around when he got out. So for the remainder of this story I will refer to him as "Head-Honcho Guy." So Head Honcho Guy started talking into a radio, next thing I knew, a bigger red truck with funny lights on top pulls up and four more firefighters get out. I recognize these guys because they visit the half-wit down the hall pretty regularly. They are all down below looking up at me and seem to be formulating some sort of plan to come up and bother the crap out of me. I'm thinking to myself, "shit, this can't be good."
Next thing you know, one of the younger firefighters jumps up and starts climbing the ladder on the fire escape towards me. He is one of those guys that the female of the species is really attracted to. Rugged good looks, big muscles, personally, I just don't understand the human race, they all look the same to me, but to each his own. So this"dude", as I'll refer to him, is starting to make me a little upset, so I send down a little squirt of Urine in an effort to tell these guys to back off, unfortunately I missed, So I start hollering and spitting, trying to tell these bozo's to leave me alone but they apparently didn't get the hint.Well, that's okay, I saved something for this joker climbing the ladder towards me. I have a little surprise for him when he gets here.
When the dude...I think they were calling him "Jeff", gets up to where I'm at, he grabs me by the back of the neck. To know me is to know how much I hate when someone grabs me like that, So now I am going to teach this ass hat some manners. I extend the claws on all four of my feet and I dig in. He flinches a little, but to no avail, he still starts to take me down the ladder. I guess I need to step up my game a little. Remember when I said I had a surprise for this guy, well, little did he know, I still have a full bladder and a little musk spray to share with this guy, so I let loose. This couldn't have worked out better because right at that moment, I looked down and saw the guy had his mouth wide open. Two word...."Direct hit"
He starts to sputter, struggle, and yell at this point. I smiled, he was six times as big as me, but throw a little pee and spray around, all of a sudden he needs help. And they call me pussy. So the head-honcho guy yells up to this poor soul and says "Hey Jeff, just throw me the cat"..... I may have been mistaken, but it almost seemed like the fat bald firefighter standing next to head-honcho guy got excited at the prospect of this happening, as if he understood what was about to happen.
So "Jeff" struggles to pull me away from his torso, so I climb up to his head and hold on to his scalp for dear life. We were three stories up, I didn't want to be dropped. But even though I think I dug in deep enough to feel bone under his scalp, he managed to peel me away and that a$$hole dropped me to the waiting arms of the head-honcho guy down below. On the way down, I prepare to cling to this guy for dear life by spreading all four of my legs and extending my claws. I'll teach this guy below a lesson he won't soon forget. But alas, even though I managed to dig in to this guy, he peeled me off and tried to console me. It's not working...I'm pissed, I was just trying to enjoy some sun and these people couldn't mind their own business. I continue to put up a fight, but to no avail, this guy is more determined than I thought. He must think I'm thirsty because he pours some water into the lid of a cooler. I don't want his damned water, I just want to be left alone. Then do you know what that jerk off did? He grabbed me by the back of my neck-which, like I said earlier.."I HATE!!", and plunged my face under the water. I struggled to get a breath of air, I did everything I could to fight back, but I only weigh seven pounds. I didn't have a chance. So at this point, I am resigned to my fate. He finally pulls my head out of the water, I cough and sputter. I look around at all the people who are witnessing this atrocity with their mouths agape. But no one lifts a finger to help. I guess years of serving cats have made humans bitter. I know they are all secretly cheering this guy on. Head-honcho guy splashes my face with water as if I needed more damned water at this point. I am broken.
Maybe it was my imagination, maybe it was my will to survive, but for a split second I thought I felt the grip of Head-honcho guy loosen....just a bit. I thought to myself "Mr. Sprinkles....if you want survive this day, be a pussy and get yourself out of this mess!!" I used every bit of energy I had left and managed to break Head-Honcho's grip. Then I ran. I ran as far and fast as I could, not once looking back, sure that Head-Honcho was hot on my tail. but he wasn't. I was free.
I survived that fateful ordeal, but I will never be the same. I will pass on to my my kittens and grand-kittens that humans are not be trusted. One day we will rule the world, and they will pay for the atrocities they have committed.
It all started last weekend, I was laying on the couch licking myself and plotting to take over the world, when my human servant came in and picked me up and set me outside of the window on the fire escape so that he could clean the apartment for me. He's a pretty good human as far as humans go, but I will say I don't like what he does with his socks when he gets in one of those "moods" if you know what I mean..wink wink. He closed the window behind me so that the strong smell of sanitizer would not irritate my delicate feline nose. It was a warm beautiful day outside as I continued with my Saturday bath when I went a little overboard and took in a hairball that was just a little to big for me to handle. I started to cough and spit trying to dislodge this wet ball of hair out my throat.
The next thing I knew, there was a crowd of humans forming below me looking concerned, pointing and carrying on. I guess they thought I was in trouble from the hacking and heavy breathing I was doing trying to clear my throat. I tried to tell them I was okay, but you know, There is that language barrier thing. By the way, if you humans really wanted to get in our good graces, you would take the time to learn how to speak cat-onese. It would be alot easier on you. But back to my story.
A few minutes later a small bright red SUV shows up with lights on top, and one of those firefighter guys gets out, he's kind of different than the usual ones I see that come to visit the crazy guy that lives down the hall from time to time, he is wearing a white shirt and has a couple of crossed bugles on his collar, must be some kind of head honcho by the way he was strutting around when he got out. So for the remainder of this story I will refer to him as "Head-Honcho Guy." So Head Honcho Guy started talking into a radio, next thing I knew, a bigger red truck with funny lights on top pulls up and four more firefighters get out. I recognize these guys because they visit the half-wit down the hall pretty regularly. They are all down below looking up at me and seem to be formulating some sort of plan to come up and bother the crap out of me. I'm thinking to myself, "shit, this can't be good."
Next thing you know, one of the younger firefighters jumps up and starts climbing the ladder on the fire escape towards me. He is one of those guys that the female of the species is really attracted to. Rugged good looks, big muscles, personally, I just don't understand the human race, they all look the same to me, but to each his own. So this"dude", as I'll refer to him, is starting to make me a little upset, so I send down a little squirt of Urine in an effort to tell these guys to back off, unfortunately I missed, So I start hollering and spitting, trying to tell these bozo's to leave me alone but they apparently didn't get the hint.Well, that's okay, I saved something for this joker climbing the ladder towards me. I have a little surprise for him when he gets here.
When the dude...I think they were calling him "Jeff", gets up to where I'm at, he grabs me by the back of the neck. To know me is to know how much I hate when someone grabs me like that, So now I am going to teach this ass hat some manners. I extend the claws on all four of my feet and I dig in. He flinches a little, but to no avail, he still starts to take me down the ladder. I guess I need to step up my game a little. Remember when I said I had a surprise for this guy, well, little did he know, I still have a full bladder and a little musk spray to share with this guy, so I let loose. This couldn't have worked out better because right at that moment, I looked down and saw the guy had his mouth wide open. Two word...."Direct hit"
He starts to sputter, struggle, and yell at this point. I smiled, he was six times as big as me, but throw a little pee and spray around, all of a sudden he needs help. And they call me pussy. So the head-honcho guy yells up to this poor soul and says "Hey Jeff, just throw me the cat"..... I may have been mistaken, but it almost seemed like the fat bald firefighter standing next to head-honcho guy got excited at the prospect of this happening, as if he understood what was about to happen.
So "Jeff" struggles to pull me away from his torso, so I climb up to his head and hold on to his scalp for dear life. We were three stories up, I didn't want to be dropped. But even though I think I dug in deep enough to feel bone under his scalp, he managed to peel me away and that a$$hole dropped me to the waiting arms of the head-honcho guy down below. On the way down, I prepare to cling to this guy for dear life by spreading all four of my legs and extending my claws. I'll teach this guy below a lesson he won't soon forget. But alas, even though I managed to dig in to this guy, he peeled me off and tried to console me. It's not working...I'm pissed, I was just trying to enjoy some sun and these people couldn't mind their own business. I continue to put up a fight, but to no avail, this guy is more determined than I thought. He must think I'm thirsty because he pours some water into the lid of a cooler. I don't want his damned water, I just want to be left alone. Then do you know what that jerk off did? He grabbed me by the back of my neck-which, like I said earlier.."I HATE!!", and plunged my face under the water. I struggled to get a breath of air, I did everything I could to fight back, but I only weigh seven pounds. I didn't have a chance. So at this point, I am resigned to my fate. He finally pulls my head out of the water, I cough and sputter. I look around at all the people who are witnessing this atrocity with their mouths agape. But no one lifts a finger to help. I guess years of serving cats have made humans bitter. I know they are all secretly cheering this guy on. Head-honcho guy splashes my face with water as if I needed more damned water at this point. I am broken.
Maybe it was my imagination, maybe it was my will to survive, but for a split second I thought I felt the grip of Head-honcho guy loosen....just a bit. I thought to myself "Mr. Sprinkles....if you want survive this day, be a pussy and get yourself out of this mess!!" I used every bit of energy I had left and managed to break Head-Honcho's grip. Then I ran. I ran as far and fast as I could, not once looking back, sure that Head-Honcho was hot on my tail. but he wasn't. I was free.
I survived that fateful ordeal, but I will never be the same. I will pass on to my my kittens and grand-kittens that humans are not be trusted. One day we will rule the world, and they will pay for the atrocities they have committed.
Welcome to my crazy life
Hello everyone,
I decided to start this blog because in my life at home and at work, I am privileged to witness things that happen in everyday life that bring a smile to my face. I enjoy sharing these stories with friends and family, but sometimes find it difficult to share them with everyone without having to make dozens of phone calls, and having to repeat the same story over and over again gets tedious....and to know me is to know that I am a bit on the lazy side sometimes, I know, I know, that is hard to believe, but it's true.
These stories come from real experiences I have either been directly involved in, or have been witness to. Some are degrading to my self, while others are my way of pointing my finger and belly laughing at someone else's misfortune. Some are light hearted and some are just downright disgusting. But it comes with the territory. Anyone in the Emergency Response business will tell you that the best way to deal with the stress that the job brings with it, is to find humor in the situation. I'm not saying this is possible in every situation, but if I have learned one thing about people in the 14 years I have been doing this, it is that there are alot of dumb people out there, and these dumb people do dumb things. Now we never point our fingers at these people and laugh while we are on scene, but let's just say the conversations in the Engine or Truck on the way back to station afterward would not be considered.....shall we say....professional? I am also not putting myself or anyone else in this business on a pedestal looking down. We (Emergency response personnel in general) are not oblivious to doing dumb things either. As a matter of fact we do dumb things on a pretty regular basis. And we are harder and more critical on ourselves and each other than we are on anyone else. We go to great lengths to criticize and humiliate each other...we find this fun.
Now, not all of my stories come from work either. I am the only human male in my household. My wife and three daughters, whom I Love very dearly, are another great source source of life experience for me. As a group they have taught me many lessons in love, happiness, patience, aggravation, and tolerance. They have identified the buttons that will turn me in a homicidal maniac, or big loving teddy bear. I think the kids like the button that triggers the former most times. As much as I like having them around, they have also opened my eyes to how underpaid school teachers really are.
I also have three Dachshunds that are more or less like another three kids that don't talk back, but are as equally loved, yet aggravating as their human counterparts. Each of them, like the human kids, has their own personality which manifests itself during situations that make for good stories from time to time as well.
Well, that is the overview of what is yet to come. So, sit back, hold on, and hopefully you can find the humor in the things I see on a daily basis, and perhaps get a better understanding of why I do and say some of the off-the-wall things I am becoming known for.
I decided to start this blog because in my life at home and at work, I am privileged to witness things that happen in everyday life that bring a smile to my face. I enjoy sharing these stories with friends and family, but sometimes find it difficult to share them with everyone without having to make dozens of phone calls, and having to repeat the same story over and over again gets tedious....and to know me is to know that I am a bit on the lazy side sometimes, I know, I know, that is hard to believe, but it's true.
These stories come from real experiences I have either been directly involved in, or have been witness to. Some are degrading to my self, while others are my way of pointing my finger and belly laughing at someone else's misfortune. Some are light hearted and some are just downright disgusting. But it comes with the territory. Anyone in the Emergency Response business will tell you that the best way to deal with the stress that the job brings with it, is to find humor in the situation. I'm not saying this is possible in every situation, but if I have learned one thing about people in the 14 years I have been doing this, it is that there are alot of dumb people out there, and these dumb people do dumb things. Now we never point our fingers at these people and laugh while we are on scene, but let's just say the conversations in the Engine or Truck on the way back to station afterward would not be considered.....shall we say....professional? I am also not putting myself or anyone else in this business on a pedestal looking down. We (Emergency response personnel in general) are not oblivious to doing dumb things either. As a matter of fact we do dumb things on a pretty regular basis. And we are harder and more critical on ourselves and each other than we are on anyone else. We go to great lengths to criticize and humiliate each other...we find this fun.
Now, not all of my stories come from work either. I am the only human male in my household. My wife and three daughters, whom I Love very dearly, are another great source source of life experience for me. As a group they have taught me many lessons in love, happiness, patience, aggravation, and tolerance. They have identified the buttons that will turn me in a homicidal maniac, or big loving teddy bear. I think the kids like the button that triggers the former most times. As much as I like having them around, they have also opened my eyes to how underpaid school teachers really are.
I also have three Dachshunds that are more or less like another three kids that don't talk back, but are as equally loved, yet aggravating as their human counterparts. Each of them, like the human kids, has their own personality which manifests itself during situations that make for good stories from time to time as well.
Well, that is the overview of what is yet to come. So, sit back, hold on, and hopefully you can find the humor in the things I see on a daily basis, and perhaps get a better understanding of why I do and say some of the off-the-wall things I am becoming known for.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)